The Ultimate Guide to Unstoppable Confidence
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Let proffer a guide on how to be sexxy for those individuals looking to add a little oomph to their oodles, a little pep in their pstep. Here are 5 commandments for ultimate sexxiness.
Follow.
1st Commandment: Thou shalt be convincing. And not be a d*ckhead whilst doing it.
The key to being sexxy is getting other people to buy into the BS you are espousing without belittling anybody in the process. People don’t like belittlers. My weapon of choice is comedy.
Gem For Life: You can get away with damn near ANYTHING if you make people laugh. It also helps if you don’t look like a pterodactyl.
2nd Commandment: Thou shalt realize that you don’t have to look sexxy to be sexxy, you have to swag sexxy.
Just let your soul glow, just let it shine thru. You know why? It’s cuz that’s all that matters.
Actually, that’s a lie. Looking like Fred Flinstone’s big toe will probably make your ascension to sexxy more difficult than you think.
However…eat well.
3rd Commandment: Don’t be afraid to be wrong.
You know why? If you are truly sexxy, as I am, you have a built in response to everything.
What is 2+2?
847!
Dude, it’s 4.
I’m sexxy.
End game. There is no retort because it requires none. You got the answer wrong, and are okay with it. You know why? I’ll tell you why. It’s because you are sexxy. That’s why.
4th Commandment: Be wrong and randomly wrong often.
You see, having that built in line, makes life all the more entertaining. You can just blatantly do your own thing at all times and spin the answers the way you see fit. If you think that 2+2 should be 5, then dammit, make sure everybody knows that. And in the event that people refuse to accept it, make sure to remind them just how sexxy you truly are and that your sexxiness trumps all else. Things that have rhyme and reason should no longer have rhyme and reason. In fact, you recreate the status quo. And do you know why?
Because you’re sexxy. B*tches.
Number 5 should have been number 1 to me…
5th Commandment: Thou shouldn’t confuse sexxy with just regular sex-y.
People tend to think that when I say sexxy, I mean that I am sexy. No, when I say sexxy, I mean sexxy. Understand?
You see how I explained that without explaining anything?
BONUS CUT:
6th Commandment: If people don’t get you…f*ck ‘em up against the wall. Oh wait…sorry. Thou shalt if people don’t get you…f*ck ‘em up against the wall.
Of course, this rebuts that whole 1st Commandment, don’t be a d*ckhead thing. But did you see I, Robot? Do you remember the ghosts in the machine? Me neither, however, you can’t go around trying to make people feel better about themselves by explaining yourself all the time. Do you and somebody will get you some of the time. Nobody will never not get you all of the time. Understand that the last sentence made total sense to me in my mind. Also understand that I have no idea why it did. You see, half the time, understanding your own train of thought is a full time job.
And who wants one of those.
I understand that this commandment seems slightly arrogant. And I quote:
“the f*ck you expect, I’ve got a history…” ~ Kanye West “They Say” from Common’s album Be
Plus, I’m sexxy. B*tches.
Are you starting to catch on yet?
Are you experienced?
Falks, what are the keys to your very own sexxy? What voodoo do you do that does what it does when you make it do what it do?
Do tell.